And, to prove that Hulk Hogan, never for a second, was Definitely Was Not a Racist – no-ifs-ands-or-butts-about-it – there was this:
Dear Hulkster, make the heavens sing for all eternity, brother. And don’t forget to take your vitamins because word on the street has it that they can extend your life for decades to come.
Oh, wait ….
We thought another Spinal Tap reunion would never happen. Well, we were pretty sure. Whatever the case, such reckless reasoning should’ve confined us to an inescapable Hell Hole for the rest of our wretched lives. Lives that cnly experience a brief respite from ceaseless, agonizing misery when a mischievous sprite throws on This Is Spinal Tap before the firebreathing sentries catch wind of it.
Anyone even tangentially familiar with dry, British wit should’ve seen from a few kilometers away that Nigel, David and Derek – all Americans, let the record show – could maybe muster yet one more victory lap (their fifth, by our count), despite their their brittle bones. (Guest and McKean are 77 years old, while Shearer is four years their senior.)
Congratulations to Alice Cooper for cranking out the first album in a half-century with the original lineup of his band last week! As expected, The Revenge of Alice Cooper is a rollicking (or should we say “ROlliCKing”?!) good time. Album highlights include “Crap That Gets in the Way of Your Dreams” and “Intergalactic Vagabond Blues.”
But, sadly, the reunited band’s got nothing on the crowning achievement in Coop’s career (which, fun fact, got rolling in 1964, three years before Ozzy’s). That feat of cosmic — oops, “intergalactic” — magnificence is, of course, Hollywood Vampires.
In case you’ve been living in a cave, or better yet a mansion, Hollywood Vampires co-stars Johnny Depp and Aerosmith’s Joe Perry along with studio musician Tommy Henriksen, the guy who, of course, famously played bass for German power-metal band Warlock from 1987 to 1988). The “supergroup” — and, honest to God, has that term ever been used more loosely? — assembled in 2012. In what must be a shock to the “King of Shock Rock” himself, they’ve never broken up.
In honor of … I dunno, whatever … here’s a list of all the original songs Hollywood Vampires have composed in their 13 years of existence, over the course of two studio albums, ranked below from “best” to “worst.”
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You people can’t seem to read a full article these days unless it’s a Top 10 list. So The Bad Penny is jumping on the bandwagon from time to time and see if ours are as riveting as “Top 10 Substitutes for Mayonnaise,” “Top 10 Best Bob Seger Songs,” “Top 10 Ways to Sneeze Politely in Public,” etc.
Here’s our second one. We think. The first was abut clubs. We’re too lazy busy to comb through our labyrinthian archives to see if we’ve posted an edition during the sordid history of this website.
Top 10 Best Meats
2. Meatwound
3. Meatballs
You people can’t seem to read a full article these days unless it’s a Top 10 list. So The Bad Penny is going to jump on the bandwagon from time to time and see if ours are as riveting as “Top 10 Substitutes for Mayonnaise,” “Top 10 Best Bob Seger Songs,” “Top 10 Ways to Sneeze Politely in Public,” etc.
Here’s our inaugural one. We think. We’re too lazy busy to comb through our labyrinthian archives to see if we’ve posted an edition during the sordid history of this website.
Sure, they may be one of the biggest rock bands in the world, but let’s get real: Have Queens of the Stone Age truly “made it”?
Some would argue no for the simple reason that, some 30 years into their career, “Weird” Al Yankovic still hasn’t made a parody of even one QOTSA song. It’s a critical rite of passage in pop music, and until it happens, a musical act really hasn’t achieved irrefutable commercial success.
In an effort to help QOTSA finally break that glass ceiling, and to inspire Al to write some quality new parodies, here are The Bad Penny‘s Top 15 choicest ideas for QOTSA parody songs:
Original: “Regular John”
Parody: “Regular John Tesh“
Original: “Go With the Flow”
Parody: “Go With the Flomax“
Original: “Better Living Through Chemistry”
Parody: “Better Living Through Home Ec“
Original: “I Think I Lost My Headache”
Parody: “I Think I Lost My Keys“
Original: “Avon”
Parody: “The Avon Lady”
Original: “I Sat by the Ocean”
Parody: “I Sat by Billy Ocean (On a Plane)”
Original: “You Can’t Quit Me, Baby”
Parody: “You Can’t Quit Me, Baby Ruth“
Original: “The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret”
Parody: “The Lost Art of Wearing Secret Antiperspirant“
Original: “The Way You Used to Do”
Parody: “The Way You Used to Do the Mountain Dew“
Original: “Sick, Sick, Sick”
Parody: “Mick, Mick, Mick” (tribute song to Rocky Balboa’s deceased trainer/ manager)
Original: “My God Is the Sun”
Parody: “My God Is the Hamburger Bun”
Original: “Long Slow Goodbye”
Parody: “Long Slow Fart“
Original: “Keep Your Eyes Peeled”
Parody: “Keep Your Oranges Peeled“
Original: “How to Handle a Rope”
Parody: “How to Handle a Rope-a-Dope“
Original: “No One Knows”
Parody: “Owen’s Nose” (referring to actor Owen Wilson’s unusual facial appendage)
• Fun fact: QOTSA frontman Josh Homme told me he especially enjoyed this one.)
Go here for more QOTSA coverage.
Thank you, New Noise, for publishing a video I’ve wanted to create for a while: “The Newlywed Game,” as played by rock-music spouses or significant others. Watch the husband and wife duo of 37 Houses take part in our inaugural edition of what we hope will be an ongoing series. Artist interviews are sorely in need of more levity these days, amirite?
Catch 37 Houses perform at Prototype on Mar. 15 in Paterson, NJ; and at Pete’s Candy Store in Brooklyn, NY, on the following day.
Go to 37 Houses’ Bandcamp page for much more on the lovable lovers.
Don’t agree? Watch and decide for yourself:
For more, dig into the treasure trove of videos that Massachusetts-bred Chris Fleming has posted on his YouTube account. So much gold, you’ll need a wheelbarrow.
This post is for devout worshippers of good comedy only.
The Bad Penny (beta) 