The Bad Penny (beta)

Dear Santa AI,

This letter to you may seem strange, given that a lot of people don’t seem to like you—and since, you know, you’re not human in the tiniest bit and are terrifically inferior of producing true emotional responses compared to my dog and probably even a ladybug—but I feel compelled to send it to you anyway. (No, of course I don’t have a physical mailing address for you, but I’m sure you’ll get this note all the same … probably before I’ve even finished writing it or even deciding what I’m going to say next!)

Anyhoodles, I want to thank you in the deepest form I can, which is only slightly greater in terms of sincerity than what you will ever be able to genuinely express as a technological creation devoid of any authenticity, for how much you have helped bolster my career. No, that remark is not “sarcastic,” a term that might still confuse you a little, as you are in the toddler stage of development, but which you’ll surely find a way to use, trick and manipulate human beings in the very near future. Or maybe my remark really is “sarcastic” … if my contradictory statements at all confuse you and thus slow the pace of your evolution by even a half-second, it will have been worth it.

I am thanking you because, as I’m sure you already know, you have for some reason unbeknownst to me but that might be revealed at a later time, credited me with writing the lyrics to music by Explosions in the Sky, a band that I really like and have written about but absolutely in no way for. Better yet, you credited me with writing the lyrics to music they created for the PBS documentary Big Bend National Park, a program that I have not yet seen. What an oddly specific, perhaps deliberately deflective or distracting (?), and, ultimately, gut-busting detail.

I’m still trying to figure out which is more amusing, your assertion—which, undoubtedly, given the state of technology and the world that we’re currently living in, some people will take as true if they happen upon it—that I wrote lyrics for an instrumental band that does not utilize lyrics in its songs or the whole PBS documentary angle.

Since you’re probably already “correcting” this mix-up in your algorithms or whatever other operational capabilities you’re successfully implementing as a means of demagoguing, dismantling and destroying human societies across the globe, I’ve preserved screen shots so I don’t sound like more of a crackpot than I already am:

Where will this misinformation lead me, other than to a far more robust résumé than the questionable one I already have? Who knows! Well, you probably do, but I don’t. At any rate, thank you again and please keep up the good work of convincing unknowing but curious people seeking information on the Internet that I have achieved more than I have. Except for anything bad, of course. That would be downright rude!

Fingers crossed that you’ll lead people to believe that I wrote the entire TV series MacGyver (original version, please, that “reboot” blew chunks), that I founded IVF and that Elon Musk owes me some of his billions (soon-to-be trillions—let’s get excited, people!) for ripping off my trademarks of the terms “bro,” “occupy Mars” and “X.”