The Bad Penny (beta)

Hate to say we told you so, but a few years after an anonymous leaker from the Biden Crime Family provided Extra-Super-Top-Secret Classified Files to The Bad Penny, we can now officially confirm that the Deep State Documents are completely True and prove that two famous rock musicians (Hollywood Elites, of course) are indeed among the 47 million Lizard People living among us in the United States (which is a “garbage bin,” by the way). We call it “The Maynard/Yow Connection.”

Like other Lizard People, Tool‘s Maynard James Keenan and the Jesus Lizard‘s David Yow share the same human body in order to distract the American public as they Illegally leave their underground environs and take over our country. After years of painstakingly accumulating The Facts using social media, we finally have enough evidence to prove that our worst fears really are true.

Don’t believe us? Consider the following:

1. Maynard served in the U.S. Army in the 1980s. Yow grew up as an Air Force brat. Both men lived in Texas for a period of time.

2. Yow and Maynard each stand 5’7″ tall.

3. Maynard and Yow both love cats.

4. Dirty-mouths Maynard and Yow both contaminate their lyrics with filthy wordplay and supposedly tongue-in-cheek “humor.” In the Tool song “Ænima,” Maynard pukes up these lyrics: “Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call L.A./ The only way to fix it is to flush it all away/ Any fucking time, any fucking day/ Learn to swim, I’ll see you down in Arizona bay.” In the Jesus Lizard song “Lord Godiva,” Yow snarls: “I’vе given golden showers/ To folks who’ve been dead for hours/ It gives me superpowers/ It gets me hard when they get stiff, yeah.”

5. Yow’s and Maynard’s bands take their sweet little time making music. More than 13 years elapsed between the release of Tool’s 10,000 Days and their latest effort, Fear Inoculum. The Jesus Lizard doubled that span when they released Rack, their first studio record in 26 years, two months ago.

6. Tool and the Jesus Lizard have the same publicist.

7. Maynard and Yow are notorious for their unpredictable behavior, especially during concerts. The former sometimes wear wigs, bras and other unexpected clothing ensembles at Tool gigs, though they’re usually tough to spot because Maynard positions himself toward the back of the stage. In the early days of the Jesus Lizard, Yow frequently and infamously stripped off all his clothes during his band’s performance of “Blockbuster.”

8. Two songs that Yow and Maynard wrote for their respective bands are eerily similar. In the classic Jesus Lizard song “Gladiator,” Yow screams: “In remembrance of Aunt Ruth/ In memory of the gun/ In memory of everyone/ And of the warm sun/ And the pain in my side.” Meanwhile, Tool’s “Invincible” finds Maynard singing: “Beating tired bones/ Tripping through remember when/ Once invincible/ Now the armor’s wearing thin/ Heavy shield down.”

9. Yow provided a commentary track for Tool’s Schism DVD.

10. Last but certainly not least, have you ever seen Maynard and Yow at the same place at the same time? Yeah, we didn’t think so.

LIZARD PEOPLE!!!

If these “coincidences” frighten you, good. As those of us who aren’t sheeple know very well, there are no coincidences, only conspiracies. Remember how Abraham Lincoln had a secretary whose last name was Kennedy, and John F. Kennedy had a secretary whose last name was Lincoln? That’s Tiddliwinks compared to “The Maynard/Yow Connection.”

If you’re unfamiliar with the Lizard People, they are aliens beamed beneath the ground by Jewish space lasers and secretly control our country and are in charge of the Deep State. (Don’t believe creatures can turn into particles? Obviously you haven’t watched Interspace starring Dennis Quaid, who just so happens to be one of Hollywood’s biggest fans of our Dear Leader.)

We will continue to bring you updates on this Breaking News as more facts emerge about Lizard People and other evil intergalactic menaces the federal government doesn’t want you and me to know about. If you thought the idea of Jewish Space Lasers was far-fetched, just wait and see what happens when the friends and neighbors of yours who are secret Lizard People start peeling off their skin and uniting across our doomed nation.

God help us all.

Check out The Bad Penny‘s Jesus Lizard Labyrinth right here.

This entry was posted on 11/27/2024 at 11:54 pm and is filed under Comedy, Esoterica with tags conspiracy, David Yow, Maynard James Keenan, the Jesus Lizard, Tool. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.