The Bad Penny (beta)

Whether you love or loathe Louis C.K. – a comedic entertainer so polarizing that there isn’t much room in between – no one can dispute his status as one of the biggest comics of the 21st century. For proof, look no further than how he survived a sex scandal that would’ve put the nail in the coffin of just about any other comic’s career.

Supplying more evidence that his equally raunchy and philosophical sense of humor renders him a teflon comedian, Louis C.K. will notch one of the biggest milestones of his career next month. As he notified subscribers to his email newsletter on Thursday, the ultimate comic’s comic will headline the Netflix Is a Joke festival showcase at the 17,500-capacity Hollywood Bowl. His missive also revealed that he has a new comedy special, Louis CK: Ridiculous, coming at a to-be-determined date this summer.

“My show at the Hollywood Bowl on May 5th will be the very last show of this tour which has taken me around the world and will likely be my last full-scale comedy headline type show for a looong time. I hope you can make it,” Louis C.K. said in a rare instance of sincerity devoid of any wise-crackery.

With that in mind, this writer dug up an out-of-print 2017 list of Louis C.K.’s best routines, non sequiturs and one-liners that preceded the controversy that became ubiquitous in conversations about comedy a mere five months after Monsters & Critics published the piece. Today we’re resurrecting it for your amusement – or disgust, in which case you don’t have to click “continue reading.”

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Louis C.K. — arguably the funniest man on the planet — unveiled his new Netflix program, 2017, today.

The special, C.K’s seventh, has been described as “gloriously gloomy” and a “startling, uncomfortable return to form“, and sees him take on everything from Abortion, ISIS and Magic Mike in his routine.

It is one of two specials which Netflix bought off C.K. as the streaming video platform continues to pump money into stand-up shows.

To coincide with its release, we compiled a list of the most drop-dead hilarious (or, as he’d say, “heee-laaaaa-rious) Louis C.K. quotes that we could recall.

So without further ado, let’s rejoice in the C.K. wit — and if you can think of any better ones add them in the comments below.

1. “Everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy!”

2. “Divorce is always good news. … No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”

3. “The meal isn’t over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.”

4. “I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities…shouldn’t you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That’s a very white attitude, don’t you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he’d be like ‘Look at all the minorities around here! I’m the only majority.”

5. “I was in this New York City park, and they had these ‘no drinking’ signs. But it doesn’t say, ‘no drinking,’ it has a picture of a martini glass with a line through it. Are those really the people causing the problems drinking in the parks? Are they really reaching their target audience with a martini glass, really? Shouldn’t it be a bottle in a bag with a line through it?”

6. “Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the f**k up. First of all, if you’re single, your life has no consequence on the earth. ”

7. To Donald Rumsfeld on a radio show: “You are a lizard person.”

8. “Farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit-smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that?”

9. To The Tonight Show host Jay Leno: “You’re the weirdest-looking person on the planet Earth. … If you weren’t famous and you robbed a bank, and the dude was describing you to a police sketch artist, he’d be like, ‘No, seriously, what did he look like?’ … I can’t believe I’m looking at you.”

10. “Suck a bag of dicks.”

Bonus: “[I tweeted on an airplane that Sarah Palin] has a Chinese family living in her cunt.”

The bulk of this article was originally published on the now-shuttered website Monsters & Critics on Apr. 4, 2017.

This entry was posted on 04/03/2026 at 2:47 pm and is filed under Comedy, Lists with tags comedian, Comedy, comic, Louis C.K., Netflix Is a Joke, stand-up. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.