The Bad Penny (beta)

After Obama’s rather unanimous KO of the GOP during that already-legendary Q+A on Friday, it’s easy to forget that just a little over a year ago, someone else was occupying his seat in the Oval Office.

In an effort to shave some of the rust off our collective long-term memory, here’s an essay I wrote around the time GW was originally elected. In it, you’ll find unabashedly far-fetched – and, with any luck, amusing – comparisons drawn between him and a guy who magically reappeared around November 2000: Axl Rose.

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Even a careless review of rock history will show that trends in music often reflect trends in politics. There were free-love tunes and psychedelic sounds in the liberal ’60s. Decadent metal during the Reagan years in the ’80s. And there’s an aggro-rock revival amid today’s growingly conservative Washington.

With the resuscitation of George Bush’s conservative regime via his demon spawn GW, one is led to wonder what sort of revivals we will see over the next four years (or less, if the Prophecy is fulfilled). Maybe a good start would be with Axl Rose, who has mysteriously resurfaced in time for GW’s inauguration after disappearing since George senior’s time in office. In fact, there seems to be ample evidence that Axl could in fact be a secret member of the Bush family.

Here’s proof:

1. Axl Rose conspicuously dodged the public eye during the Clinton administration. Though his Guns N’ Roses hiatus technically lasted only six years, he said at a recent gig at the House of Blues in Las Vegas, “I’ve been taking a nap for about eight years.”

2. Axl is notorious for arriving at his concerts up to four hours late. It took more than 900 hours for GW to officially claim the presidential throne.

3. Axl is from Indiana, one of the country’s most conservative states. Bonus: GW has a cat named India.

4. Axl was arrested numerous times, namely in his home state of Indiana, for drinking in public. GW was arrested for drunk driving in Kennebunkport, Maine.

5. Axl (allegedly) did a lot of coke. GW (allegedly) did a lot of coke.

6. Both “Bush” and “rose” are plant names, and have the same number of letters (and one “S” each, too).

7. Axl officially uses a “W.” to abbreviate his real first name, “William.” George junior also has a “W.,” for “Walker.” Bonus: The initials to “W. Axl Rose” spell “WAR,” the choice method of foreign intervention among conservatives.

8. The letters in Axl Rose’s name can be rearranged to form the words “oral sex,” an act that Republicans regularly perform for corporate executives in exchange for campaign cash.

9. Some of Axl’s new bandmates are named Tommy, Robin and Paul. GW has appointed Tommy Thompson as Health and Human Services Secretary, Rod Paige as Education Secretary and Paul O’Neill as Treasury Secretary. Bonus: Dick Cheney is a Buckethead.

10. Axl’s allegedly racist song “One in a Million,” which includes “nigger” among other epithets, sparked protest, even causing the band Living Colour to protest GN’R when they shared opening duties for the Rolling Stones. GW recently appointed John Ashcroft, who successfully blocked black Missouri judge Ronnie White from serving on the state’s Supreme Court, to the position of Attorney General. Bonus: As a Congressman in 1969, George senior supported two black-inferiority advocates, Professors William Shockley and Arthur Jensen, at a Republican Task Force on Earth Resources and Population.

11. In true Republican form, Axl has peddled Destruction, Lies and Illusions all over the globe.

12. The letters in the word “Iran,” a country in which Bush senior aided contras during his CIA years, can be anagrammed to form “Rain,” one-half of the GN’R song title “November Rain.”

13. GW is a born-again Christian. Axl used to sing in his church choir and teach Sunday school.

14. Like Axl, GW has a pierced left nipple.

15. GW was elected governor of Texas on 11/8/94. Axl married Erin Everly on 4/28/89. 11+8+94 and 4+28+89 are 113 and 121, respectively. 121-113=8. Tack on another 8 and you get 88; ’88 was the year in which Axl and the rest of GN’R were accused of inciting a riot at the Monsters of Rock Festival in England.

Originally published as “Axl Rose: Rock ‘N’ Roll Superstar Or Republican Android?” on VirginMega.com, December 2000.

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More essays:

• “Isis’ Oceanic: Mystery Revealed?”
• “Nirvana’s In Utero: Un Vínculo Progresivo Entre Los Mundos Del Rock Mainstream Y Rock Independiente”

More Doppelgängers:

• Mastodon’s Brent Hinds and actor J.C. Quinn
• Brad Penny and Barney Gumble

This entry was posted on 02/02/2010 at 10:06 am and is filed under Doppelgängers, Features with tags Axl Rose, Guns N' Roses, Living Colour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.